“I just got back from work! I love you!
and by “just got back from work” i mean we wrapped shooting, and then i got this hatian kid a pair of drumsticks because he’s a drummer and his broke and he can’t afford them, so i went to Kenny Loggins and got a pair of sticks from his drummer— THEN I went to the casino and won like 200 bucks right away and then didn’t gamble anymore, just hung out and drank for free and now i’m back. Me and Lucio (the dude I drove in the van from sturgis with) are drinking and listening to funk music now and we’re gonna go to the ocean. I promise my glasses won’t be involved.”—what i just skype chatted my girlfriend (who was offline) because she tried to call me earlier and i wasn’t there. i’m really getting into run-on sentences, you guys.
I’ve been fortunate in my young career to have been involved in a few press articles about comedy. None of them have been so well written… or even gotten the point… like this article. I’m so lucky. This is truly wonderful.
Here’s the text of the speech I gave on Saturday at Occupy LA. A lot of this was just a springboard, and I cut some on the fly, added some, etc. If anyone has any video of it, it would be greatly appreciated.
Hi everybody! So, like so-and-so said, I’m a comedian! FUN. But, Iiiii just don’t really feel like telling you guys my normal jokes… because, I mean, well… shit. We’re here fighting for our very livelihoods.
Also, what’s going on in congress right now is FUCKING HILARIOUS. (like waaay funnier than anything I could come up with.)
So, on Thursday, 3 big conservative “family values” groups walk into the Capitol building, (that sounds like the set up to the most boring joke slash chain-email in bright blue comic sans font I’ve ever heard…) well I’m just gonna read it from the news story:
"Over the course of two hours, half a dozen women had public ultrasounds, an anti-abortion member of Congress cried on stage, and ministers prayed for the passage of new legislation to end abortion."
Money quote, from the reverend who ran the circus (I’m gonna do it in a shitty southern dialect because fuck that’s how he probably talks, right?)
"There’s one person who has not come to DC yet to testify," said Rev. Patrick Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition. "That is, until today: That’s the millions of pre-born children."
So these THINGS that aren’t even people yet are getting their voice heard in congress right now, while we fight to restore democracy and are ignored. Also: Millions of pre-born children? OH GOD that’s a disturbing visual. Can you imagine just a bunch of creepy ghost zygotes (ZYGHOSTS?) all haunting up congress? “come play with us” Ghost babies and kids are fucking scary enough, if anyone from Hollywood is here, get on the horn, make some ghost fetus movie asap because that shit is the scariest thing I’ve ever heard.
To recap: Six ladies go to the home of our nation’s legislative branch, pull up their shirts and get some happy warm gel rubbed on their tummy-tums to show bad old nancy pewosi that each and every one of these lil’ creepy-crawlers could be the next Jesus!
As the ultrasounds were happening, one of the event’s cosponsors proclaimed:
"That’s pretty obvious," "That’s a baby in there."
WELL I CERTAINLY HOPE IT IS! What ELSE would be in there? Ma’am, you’re gonna give birth to kittens! And according to this ultrasound… they’re all made of ice cream! (look off, pause) OF COURSE IT’S RAINBOW SHERBERT! (That would get me to watch CSPAN.)
Here’s why I bring this all up. THIS is what our representative government is BUSYING themselves with while ignoring us. And, this is just one small example of the bullshit. We are starting to become part of the discussion, but the corporate media is using countless distractions like this to change the narrative. All the while, what little coverage we DO get is usually about the occupy movement not having a clear objective. “What is your demand?” “What do you want to change?” Well… um, I’m glad you finally asked (pause) WHERE DO WE START? There is so much wrong with this country! Also, we haven’t even been around for a month, dudes. Forgive me for stating obvious facts, The Media, but I think it’s gonna take a liiiitttle longer than a month to decide what it is we need to fix the most. Think of America as a car. Alright, so our car is in pret-ty bad condition, and by that I mean at this point it’s actually just an old wheezing dog wearing a saddle that somebody drew a frownyface on. Now… How do you fix that fucking car?
I, personally, don’t know exactly how to do it. But I have some ideas. Overturn Citizen’s United and reform our nation’s campaign finance laws so that corporations can no longer purchase elections, take our banking system out of the hands of degenerate gamblers, end the unjust and wildly expensive wars. I’m sure a lot of you have some great ideas, too. That’s why we’re here. So, let’s talk about them, and keep talking, until the powers that be are FORCED to listen.